Sunday, November 26, 2006

Did you see them in your office?

Most sports are about competitive spirit, whereas Indian cricket is about survival. In a way its more like corporate life rather than a sport where talented individuals excel at winning. If you look around your office you would find many types of people apart from the Orwellian (big boss is watching you) and Machiavellian ( the new big boss).
1. Kaifian :
  • Examplary agility to flash access keys to open doors and remember passwords of useless websites that get referred once in a while in annual meetings.
  • Ability to stay more hours in office than others but still produce indistinguishable output
  • Seems to show highest level of enthusiasm without the knowledge of why he is clapping his hands more at others achievements

2. Sehwagian:

  • Last to come and first to leave whether its meetings or regular office
  • Carries a reputation of ripping apart presentations made by weak kneed juniors in key corporate meetings
  • Was once a great worker, but marriage, Mayur suitings, growing paunch and scanty hair have tarnished his productivity after 30
  • Loses promotion opportunities due to weak English, disdain for strategy (oi ki farak padtha hai, jaake becho ) and potential work ethic issues
  • Gorges on the cheap canteen food ordering bhel puri for key strategy meetings

3. Agarkarian

  • Was a star performer in the induction program , was noticed by department head but none of his contributions were worth noticing later
  • Makes 1 brilliant recommendations amongst 3 bad ones thus rounding off a good year ; usually the cost of his 3 bad ones is enough to sink the company
  • Commonly found in Mumbai corporates hanging out with fellow ghaatis eating wada pav in the evening and leading the Ganpati decorations when the department head is visiting
  • Claims to be a multi-dimensional asset due to his Ganpati organization skills and dandia playing abilities

4. Dravidian

  • Carries the look beyond his designation, as if the whole company depends on him
  • Has a constipated look largely due to dislike for the hygienic canteen food
  • Highly discreet and diplomatic, makes sure that the business plan is well hidden from other co-workers
  • Usually inspired by global management experts with poor local flair like Russell Crowe's Gladiatorial management techniques
  • Displays amazing determination for spending late nights in office trying to solve problems by perspiration with Kaif rather than inspiration

5. Yuvrajian

  • A marketing star performer with ability to meet impossible sales targets
  • Usually a big hit with the CEO and all the company gals
  • Cribs about Mumbai's crowded roads and small houses and calls offsites in the north of India
  • Would leave the company to a competitor with JIT efficiency just before his marketing plans flop and page 3 parties end

6. Gangulian

  • An original star performer , now a victim of reorganization politics
  • Always carries a file with his key project statistics like number of projects completed before time and the market capitalization attributable to him
  • Still distributes Diwali sweets personally in office reminding everyone of the golden days when he used his shirt to apply glue to a company marketing poster

7. Chapellian

  • A new development in Indian corporates thanks to the rapid globalization and merger mania ( truth is this guy is unwanted in his own country)
  • Always shouts the loudest in company strategy meetings raising useless visions for 2010 and beyond when India's GDP would grow at 12%
  • Speaks with an accent and is highly regarded as an industry expert initially
  • Flouts all HR policies by pointing fingers at men and winking at women
  • A white elephant sustained by liberal allowances from the HQ

8. Rainaian

  • Usually a state topper from Chattisgarh with a know it all look who has come to Mumbai for the first time
  • Talks about the true India living under $1 a day during marketing meetings and is liked by the CEO who has attended the bottom of pyramid strategy conferences by Prahlad
  • Thinks annual performance review and Diwali bonus are tightly linked

If you come across them in your office or any other species let me know.


At 8:58 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

Hilarious stuff! Very well written. Especially liked the ones on Ganguly and Raina!

What about Sachin? Wouldn't he make the perfect employee?

At 6:13 PM, Blogger Stone said...

Tendulkars :: -- With proven track record, single handedly delivered some
key projects, and always performed brilliantly in low-cost/
high-appreciation projects; but usually fail to deliver in big projects,
leaves office early on the final delivery day.

Jadejas :: When it becomes sure that a project is doomed, it is going run in
loses, then Jadejas emerge, and work to get noticed by the PM, so that he is
retained for next project.

Kumbles:: There are some who keep on working day-in day-out within their
limited capabilities, and manage to do good for themselves but then it comes
to cost-cutting they are the first ones to be shown door.

Laxman':: Whiners...who keep on whining about changing client
Rather than working on their weakness and learn new technologies, they keep
on blaming changing technologies all the time.

Powars:: Who wears loudest colors of red, and whatever b their expertise but
are hated coz of their paunch and unhygienic habits.

Pathans:: After brilliant performance in first project as trainee, and are
then made a Project Lead in next, usually suffer from low self confidence,
and start performing worst than a trainee.

Parthiv Patels:: Who are total useless, good for nothing but still PM simply
adores them; are often seen with boss after office hours ;-)

At 9:38 PM, Blogger Serenity said...

great work buddy! god damn kewl! just let as much as people know abt it!

At 9:59 PM, Blogger Atish said...


At 10:00 PM, Blogger greatbong said...

Great ! And lovely additions from Stone.

At 1:33 AM, Blogger ak said...

Mosht enjoyable.

At 9:13 PM, Blogger Jagadish said...

Brilliant stuff. I also found an Ashes-centric post on similar lines and I've linked both at Cricket 24x7.

At 9:51 PM, Blogger Ganesh said...

fabulous - both jayesh and stone. "leaves office early on the final delivery day" - best one to me!

At 10:46 PM, Blogger Bart said...

Good one jazz..

At 11:19 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

mian sahi jaa rahe ho. this was a very cool post...ekdum dil se likha gaya.

At 10:15 PM, Blogger shikha said...

you disappeared again..why???


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